Alone in a crowded world...

 

Hello out there, big world. I'm usually a happy-go-lucky person, but today I want to get serious.

You see, I live with a huge problem. Stuff that people take for granted every day, such as going to work, enjoying concerts, even leaving the house....these are all things that I have trouble doing. Last year, I was diagnosed with severe panic disorder and agoraphobia. It was really hard in the beginning, and while I've made strides since then, I'm still not where I want to be.

So what does one do when the meds don't work, and the relaxation techniques aren't helping? All I can do is wait.

To some people, I have a lot going for me. I'm engaged, I have a decent job, a bright future, but to me I just feel......trapped. I look at others and wonder why God made them feel so normal and I often ask why I don't get to live a "normal" life.....no answer. Just a dial tone and static from God.

I often wonder if I'm being selfish because I just want to take it easy and relax but I feel like I'm holding my fiance back from doing things he might like to do. I love him, deep down I do. I mean, we've known each other for 13 years and when you share that much with someone, it's hard not to love them. However, this tiny part of me (that I fear will grow bigger) wants to simply isolate myself. Maybe just until I get better, or maybe....forever? I enjoy solitude and I am pretty much a loner when it comes to my social life. I didn't used to be. I mean, I've always been a loner, but I used to go out and have fun every now and then. I am young, after all, so it seems a shame to become a shut-in now.

The big problem is, nobody seems to understand what I'm going through. My fiance tries his best to help, but I always hear the frustration in his voice when I tell him I can't come over because I'm having one of my "bad" days and it brings me right back down again. I want to get better so that I can make him happy, but is that really who I should be getting better for? What about getting better for myself? And then it leads to questioning whether maybe he is the source of all the stress that is making me so anxious in the first place?

What I do know is that I'm immensely frustrated with life right now. Every day is a whole new challenge for me and just to make it through is a huge triumph. After that, there's not much left because I often feel drained from all the energy I spent during the day just trying to appear "normal". I just wish that there was somebody, anybody out there that knew what I was going through or to tell me that they had gone through it and gotten better. At least then I would know that there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

Until then, I remain alone in this crowded world.

Comments

[Dulce et Decorum Est]

I have gone through it... and it does get better.

[Celena]

I'm sorry you're suffering from panic attacks.  I have a friend who suffers from the same thing and it's very real.  It can be completely debilitating.  She's had it for a few years now and is on medication, but that doesn't seem to always help.

I wish there was an answer to why these things occur.  Like is it something chemical in the brain or what?  I know I get really bad anxiety attacks where my heart starts racing and I feel as if I can't breathe.  It feels completely out of my control.  And during those episodes, all I do is pray.  It's the only thing that helps me get through them without completely freaking out.

I'm not sure if you're Christian (?), but the Lord does help those who seek Him!  ^_^  Ask him to help you with this particular problem.  With God everything is possible!  *hug*